Emmi Versus the Spiderman from Todd Randolph on Vimeo.

Q: Where can I get Gucci-like driving mocs, bling hardware optional, and not drop $900?

A:  What’s really nice about the above Gucci driving moc is the sleek design, not so nice for many is the price tag of $425 (already less than $900 but still steep).  A great alternative are these driving mocs by Clarks.  Equally sleek design and rather than a buckle element there’s a simple stitch detail, best of all they retail for $100 bucks. Just remember these aren’t designed to be trekking shoes, careful about putting a lot miles on them by foot.

When “change” came to America, was it only from the waist up?

I must admit that, as major news networks, politico bloggers, and late show hosts all got themselves worked into a lather because of a single pair of jeans, I felt a little giddy.  Not only because, in part, I’ve dedicated my life to preventing getup gaffes for my clients, but also because our President perfectly illustrated a core belief of mine about men and clothing:  where most men get into sartorial trouble is in their casual clothes.

Suiting up is to dressing down like paint by numbers is to abstract art.  One is relatively straightforward while the other requires a significantly higher degree of proficiency to look good.

When Obama was asked about his denim dilemma, the most powerful man in the free world suddenly sounded like every client I’ve ever worked with, “I hate to shop and those jeans are comfortable.”  Oh I know that swan song all too well – my clients say that so often I refer to it as background music that accompanies me as I clear their closet of pleated pants,  sweaters from grandma, and of course,  frump jeans.

Many men, the Commander-in-Chief included, naturally defend what they’re comfortable in and mistakenly think they can’t update to what’s modern because it’s going to be extreme (hence President Obama’s follow-up comment about him not being 20 and unable to fit into tight jeans).  I want to tell him what I tell countless other men:  it doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other, painfully hip or frumpville.  Comfort and good aesthetics are no longer mutually exclusive and there’s a whole world of casual clothing available to him that both feels and looks great.

Now the closest I’ve gotten to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington is when I dressed one of my clients for his meeting with the President, but suddenly I have incentive to attempt access at the presidential closet directly.  So… I’m coming Mr. President, and I promise that once I’m done no one will ever tease your casual attire again!

Cyclops is angry.  Who could blame him?  His entire life he’s been subjugated to wearing two eye sunglasses.  But no more!  Designer Martin Margiela’s keen ‘futuristic’ design finally allows Cyclops the dignity he deserves.  Now he just needs some size 62 Addidas kicks to complete the look.

This ad is just too good to leave back in the 70s.  For those of you who had forgotten that America went through a period when an adult onesie signified “sex machine,” I present to you:  The Big Zip.  This Bee Gees meets Scarface meets gas station attendant getup has a spot on marketing message too, promising to transform you into a “walking turn on” because it “fits so tight it shows all you’ve got.”  Or perhaps one also has to carry around a giant wooden staff for maximum effect.

Think a Hawaiian shirt is just the thing to show off your playful side at cookouts this summer?  Think again.  Women generally hate these billowy bright mini muumuus.  Why?  Look at the fit.  Most men already tend to wear clothing that’s too large for their frame. Compounding the tent tendency by sporting a ginourmous loud, garish Hawaiian shirt, (no matter how luau-festive it looks merchandised at the store) is a major mistake - step back or you will be sucked into a major Tsunami of tacky.

If you’re wondering when it is appropriate to break out that wicked cool party shirt that makes you feel like you’ve got an express ticket to Margaritaville.  Here’s your checklist.

Are you:

A. In Hawaii or similar tropical island?

B. On a cruise with a bunch of retirees?

C. Having game night with your charity bowling league?

D. Playing shuffleboard with your grandparents in Boca?

Unless you answer “yes” to one of these questions, put the shirt down and walk away.  There are so many better fitting, smart casual summer shirts out there for men.  For example – the linen gingham plaid button down, priced at $19 from H&M in the picture above is just one of the many options available to you.  So, fun guy, unless your purpose is to provide women with a warning to run, there is simply no reason to publicly punish yourself (and others) by wearing giant palm trees, surfer stick figures or dolphins mating.

Victor's Secret?

There was a most interesting story in the Metro this week.  After being launched earlier this year, bras for men have been selling out of stock in Japan.

This darkest of Victoria’s Secrets was originally produced in a single color, which clearly doesn’t work for the typical male who needs a variety of lingerie, is now available in three.  Not being able to read Japanese well I can’t guarantee that my wording is 100% correct here, but from just looking at the man bra website, I believe the three colors are:  Why the f*@# are you wearing that black,  Oh no now I need to stab my eyes out pink, and Why does this always happen on my dates white.  Too vanilla for you? There’s also a leopard print.

Show 'em you're a tiger animal print now available with matching panty!

According to Wishroom, the company manufacturing the Men’s Premium Brassiere, the over-the-shoulder-nothing-holder is not being purchased for visual ‘benefit’ but rather for stress relief, “One customer said when he wears a bra he feels he can ‘reset’ his feelings. If something bad happens he puts on a bra and feels he can come back and fight another day.”  Really? What happened to practicing meditation to manage stress?  For the love of all things even remotely rational, if this is happening in a country where more than half of the population practices Zen Buddhism, what hope is there for the rest of us?!

First, bras for men beat out pantyhose for men as the creepiest surprise under a man’s clothes that a woman can find.

Second,  no woman (being the authority on the bra experience) has ever said “I’ve had the most awful day, after I put ON this bra everything will be all better, itchy under-wire take me away!”

Third and perhaps most important,  if you’re a man whose job has become so stressful you’re shopping for a new bra.  Shop for a new job instead.

Lastly, take a moment to appreciate your position, you are not the poor Norwegian model seen here clutching his chest.  Considering that he did not wear a bra during the photo shoot,  he was probably unaware of exactly how this assignment would play out and thinking “I’m the face of Japan’s newest cutting edge chest protecting technology.”  Perhaps something was lost in translation in his modeling contract.

Jeans can be either a blessing or a curse. Get a great fitting pair and they’ll magically transform nearly everything in your closet, but choose ill-fitting jeans and they wreak havoc on anything you wear with them.

On the left is the Traditional cut jean, also known as the Classic fit. This cut balloons through the thighs and tapers at the ankle. While there are several different jean fits and each man’s body type is flattered most by one or two, the Traditional fit is a friend to no one.

Many men prefer wearing loose clothing but styles have evolved and masculinity is no longer defined by a bulky silhouette. Join this century by choosing a more tailored, trimmer look even in casual clothing. Which jean cut fits your body best? Check out this guide.

On stage Coldplay jokingly apologized to Paul McCartney for stealing the Beatles’ Sgt Pepper uniforms. Unfortunately, the apology was equally applicable to Hasbro’s© lot of My Little Ponies and the rest of their magical cartoon friends.

What killed Coldplay’s Care Bear^TM paramilitary ensemble was not just the whimsical color scheme, but the sloppy jacket design. Too many standout elements in an outfit will fight for attention and inadvertently create a McFlurry® of fashion faux pas. In contrast, Raheem DeVaughn rocked sporting his untraditional color jacket because the fit was flawless, allowing your eye to focus a singular dominant aspect, the rich color.

Moving on, what do you get when you combine a pirate, a poet, the Highlander, the artist formerly known as and now again currently know as Prince, and a waiter from a Chinese noodle house? Apparently Future Man at the Grammys. Yes, here Future Man warns us of a future where the Terminator isn’t the only threat, a future where society will be in such disarray the good citizens of our nation will lose the ability to pull together a single outfit leaving them to fend for themselves and use whatever scraps available.  Something akin to dressing in the dark in a combined Salvation Army/costume remanent store.  The future’s so scary I gotta wear shades.

Lastly, have you ever wondered what it would be like if Arby’s^TM staff wore suit jackets in lieu of T-shirts? Chris Brown, who as fate would have it may find himself singing “would you like fries with that?” for employment was kind enough to answer that burning question. He apparently designed this ’minimum wage meets award ceremony stage’ look himself. Kudos Chris, you are clearly asserting yourself as a young man who makes smart choices when the pressure is on.